Suicide, death of a Soul

Suicide, death of a Soul

By: Masarrat A Shah                                                                                  

Post Picture: Google

Well, I am tired of this world, the people and the society. Everyone has got their own opinion and prejudice where they are not ready to accept me or listen to me or say understand me. Why should I live here, where no one is bothered of me being here or not?

Every day we hear the stories about Suicide, on news channels, in newspapers, on social media, and to my surprise we have seen people committing this extreme act LIVE on Facebook. I wonder what makes them do it, what is going through their mind at that time when they are making themselves, their body and their soul go through such a painful act or process. Do they listen to themselves, or do they pause for a moment and rethink about the consequences after this step is completed, will anyone be bothered, or am I hurting someone by making them part of this pain?

When an individual takes the step of ending his/her life and saying goodbye to people and loved ones and feeling pain and agony of leaving them, have anyone thought Why, this step. But yes, we hear the news and for few minutes we express sadness and empathy with that individual, and in a second thought we curse him/her. We start judging, saying that how cowardly act he/she did, a looser not able to handle the situation, rather than facing the consequences, the person took easier way to run away from the issues and life and left his loved ones to suffer. Well, most of the people say, why was not help asked, like psychiatrist, counselor and so on. He/she should have talked to someone rather than hanging or taking poison and so on.

But my question is who is responsible for this act of what you call cowardliness or being looser, who should we blame, is this blame going to only that individual who suffered so much and said enough is enough and I cannot handle it anymore. Who made him think that and act on it? Why was not anyone there to listen and care and guide him or her. Was there anyone to empathize, forget about sympathy? And I am sure the answer is “NO”. What we as people or society do is talk, talk and talk and pass comments and make judgments. We are so inhuman that we don’t even care to think before we say it.

If a person is happy and content with his or her life, why will there be a question or thought of ending life or being rejected by society. But what happens is when an individual goes thru hell because of another person then the issues arise. Everyone is stressed, angry, irritated and displeased with some or the other person in life. Whether it is love relationship, parent relationship, employee manager relationship, marriage problems and so on. Just because there is some disconnect and misunderstanding and miscommunication between two individuals there is a chaos. We are seeing everyday fights, abuses and what not happening in homes, offices and at workplaces. People being Judged, Racism, Bias, Cast attacks and what not. And there are people who handle it to some extent but at one point they loose it and water starts flowing over their head and where they start hating everything and when that brim of patience is broken, they either think to finish themselves or that person who is the reason for the whole mess. So, there is a trigger point, someone is taking that individual to that edge where the extreme step takes place of either Murder or Suicide, where I believe both of these are “Murders”.

So, who is responsible for this Murder in either case? Not that person but us as a society is responsible for a person to take such a heinous and extreme step. As a society we actual are murdering that person, where we say a suicide was committed. Now what happens people start, or law makers start looking for suicide note left behind by that person. Yes, we see and have seen and heard enough notes where the deceased had mentioned, “for my death no one is responsible, I am myself responsible for taking my life”, why does that person say that because he knows that there is no hope, who all will they punish where whole society is actually responsible for this crime, for this murder of me. He/she is done with the society and the fake empathy and kindness of people or who were “Loved Ones”.

We all are hypocrites, running from the reality and living in some fantasy world. Seeing movies and the glamorous life in reel life, we feel that’s the life we want and try to copy and live. But sorry friends that’s not the way we live, understand the real world. We all need respect, love and compassion. Our society and world needs peace and tranquillity where all live equally and there is no racism, bias and prejudice. Because of our inhumane attitude and loosing ourselves in virtual, social media and AI world we are losing our loved ones, our friends and dear ones. Stop this madness and love each other, talk to each other, show care and compassion and sort things rather than fight on things.  Everyone has trouble, issues and disagreements but they can be resolved and worked out if and only if we show real consciousness and compassion. Suicide is not a Solution; it is an easy way to end misery of life.

Well, yes, I want to live and be happy see the world and be successful person. Yes, I want to love and be loved with real passion and zeal. But don’t judge me, misunderstand me and leave to my own self. Please listen to me and try to talk to me, maybe we will find the solution, and which will support me to prove myself and be better human being, better person and make this world better and peaceful place. Show me some respect and you will get abundance in response. Lastly, I know suicide is crime, a sin, very ugly and heinous sin and I don’t want to take that step, but be there for me when I need and help me to understand rather than throwing me in my depressed hole where I have no one to listen and talk.

 

“The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” — Dalai Lama.

 

 

 

 

Reality and Dream

There are really two issues here: one is the degree to which an experience seems subjectively real (at least while it is happening). The other issue is independent of the first; this is the degree to which the experience seems objectively real in the sense that it produces actual effects on other parts of reality.

Since age of 14, I was more mature than my other friends. I had realized what is good and bad, what we should do and why. I had embraced my Solitude and was happy being in it. Only one person behind my mature brain and she was my Mother. She always wanted me to learn things whether cooking, cleaning, and understanding of life. I used to runaway from things which she used to tell me to do and always used to say,

Listen, “You have to learn, what if tomorrow you move to new place, how will you manage”.

My younger Brother never had to go through this process of learning. I used to be angry on him as he was free to go out play and do whatever he wants. With the time and me growing up, things changed I was more of homely guy rather than being playing and being with friends.  Started being alone with myself in my room, study, think all weird things on earth. And the best part, I used to think of being a Superman or some special guy with loads of extra powers. Why those thoughts and feelings because I wanted to runaway from whole scenario. There used to be instances where I wanted to just fly and leave this world.

One fine day, my mind was boiling with all the weirdest thoughts, I was on a roller coaster of misery and helplessness, not sure why my thoughts and my inner self was in some sort of trauma and denial of my existence. And in this whole pull and push, I found myself drenched in snow and running from everything in void where there was no destiny or goal. I, ran away from my home and decided not to come back. But, after a day long walking and moving from one place to another crying and cursing and saying sorry to my parents, there was a time when suddenly I found myself lying in my bed. How did I come back, what was that force which made me return to home, I don’t know, it was like a miracle.

My Mother, was always worried about me and wanted me to be happy as she loved me more than anything else. We were like best friends, laugh, and talk and share everything. She was my mentor and guide and taught me everything what I am today. She treated me like I was her Daughter rather than Son. Maybe she wanted to have daughter and I was born “by mistake”. It was more of a mother daughter relationship rather than mother son relationship. Sometimes I wander was I her daughter and by mistake took shape of a boy when I was born.

As a lonely lad, always in my thoughts and solitude, playing with all things which does not exist and being with my imaginary friend had total different effect on me. I loved to be with myself and in my fantasy world. Being not so connected to people around and having no friends, I decided to move to different city or place. And my parents agreed me to study in Delhi for rest of my schooling and college.  That was a turning point in my life, no one was around me I was in my own world. Learned to be independent and tackle things on my own, from a shy guy evolved a smart guy, with tremendous presence of mind.

I started writing letters to my mum, as that time there were no mobile phones. She used to write me back everything which we used to talk in person, we started talking through letters. I started growing up, being more confident, mature and responsible. Being away from my folks and no one to bother me, I was bound to do anything, I could have even turned to bad company or friends because it was my way out. But never did that always maintained a distance from groups who were trouble makers or can deviate me from my studies. This again used to come from her letters, my parents had trust on me and knew their son will not disappoint them or will not do anything which will break their trust. And parents should have this feeling and faith towards their kids. If you cannot build that trust or faith, your child will think in reverse manner.

Being a happy and confident guy, I was good at studies and besides my regular studies, was busy with extra activities related to Radio, Television and most important Theater. Everything I was doing was teaching me some or the other lesson and yes thanks to my parents for being my support at every step and decision I took. I understood the meaning of life and what does it mean. I grew up into a different personality, self-confident, independent and ready to embrace any challenge. My Solitude helped me a lot in this whole personality development and being a mature person.

Alas, there was a day when my Mum was diagnosed with Cancer, I was shattered, my world came crashing down, and it was a sudden earthquake on a scale of magnitude which no one can imagine or calculate.  Doctors gave a time frame of a year for her survival, it was all done and dusted and there was no hope. I was watching my Mum, dying in front of me day in and day out but nothing which I can do except loads of prayers and begging to Allah to give her back to me. As, I had stepped myself into world of work and earn, so had to be in Delhi. Always used to talk to her on phone laugh and giggle, make jokes as we used to do.  And one day on phone she said, “People come, people leave and that’s how world ends”, after few days of that saying, my phone rang, and I knew what the news was about, and that was the end.

My Mother and my best friend left me in void, now with whom will I share my ups and downs, my laughs and my achievements.  A miracle happened, one day I woke up with confusion and happiness. Guess what, I just had finished talking to my Mum, not through letters or phone but face to face as we used to at home. We used to talk regular stuff like we used to do, if I required any suggestion on any issue she guided me. She knew everything what was happening around and with my Dad and Brother too. I do tell her about things happening at home and she is the one who gives me suggestions to solve them. And I tell that to my Dad and Brother. I made her meet my friends and talk to them. My Dad, was skeptical first when I told him about this dream and he literally blasted me for not letting her go in peace. I knew, it was not me troubling her, but it was her love for me which compelled her to be with me in my dream. I explained same to my Father and you know now he also asks me, “Hey what were you and your Mum discussing today”J. I never want to wake-up when she is with me and I hate if someone wakes me up while we are in conversation.

What was it, a reality or a dream? I wandered, it was a dream however, talks and discussion were real. She has never stopped talking to me since then and I always share things with her as I used to do always.

So, as I mentioned there are really two issues here: one is the degree to which an experience seems subjectively real (at least while it is happening). The other issue is independent of the first; this is the degree to which the experience seems objectively real in the sense that it produces actual effects on other parts of reality. Both the issues happened with me and I am happily living and experiencing it.

On Top of the World

“Oh, Almighty please get me back, safe and sound I don’t want to die.” I was bloody scared standing in that snow. Feeling weak and helpless, I was reduced to the exact opposite of who I thought I was. The mountain showed me I had a very heavy baggage on my back that I had to offload.

On a casual working day in office I experienced a sudden adrenaline rush when I heard “Ready for an adventure guys? Trek to a mountain peak? Hmm? “It was Louise the professional trekker in our team!

I was IN. Adventure beckoned me and I was not going to say No!

Excited about the new adventure of running up the mountains and experiencing whole new world, we arrived at railway station in Rabat, the platform was quite except some chirping of birds, no hustle bustle around, it was a beautiful sunny day and the station was clean and good, why I am saying this is because I never boarded the train for long journeys in my country. Train arrived and we all were in first class, I was so overwhelmed about the whole trip that I forgot about what really, I was heading for.

The train was hitting the speed, I was glad until I started hearing words like” rocks, clamps, poles, summit, snow, achievement”. Ah! It sounded so horrifying! So, scary! By the way we were on our way to summit the highest peak of North Africa – Mt. Toubkal 4,167 m in all!!!

I was ready for my moment of glory, an achievement that I could tell my grandchildren. My future played out like a movie in front of my eyes, as I saw the massive Atlas Mountains spread itself surrounding the beautiful Imlil village from where we started the climb. We started our trek from Imlil, and me being super charged with adrenaline rushing and gushing through my veins, just wanted to fly over these mountains, and it was totally amazing experience which I had never felt before. I was doing something new, something different and something which I can talk about to others and feel proud of. A few hours of walking on steep Rocky Mountains and I felt breathless! My excitement and confidence vanished into thin air. The excruciating pain in my knees and back was killing me physically and mentally.  I looked at the hugeness in front of me and realized that there was no turning back. Fear pierced in to my mind slowly, same as migraine pierces my head.

Strangely, I was reminded of the day when I stepped on the stage to act in my first play.  I had felt the same thing than, the Fear. “What if I forget my lines, what will be the reaction of audience and my director”.  A total numbness.

My backpack of fears felt heavy on my back.

I started feeling pain in my knees and back, it was killing me physically and mentally. When I looked around, the mountains were so high like we were walking beside some huge tall fortress wall and there was no way to turn back. As, I was taking steps up towards height and low pressure, only one thing was running in my mind when will I reach to our base camp and not loose my mind by any chance. Started singing songs to keep my mind occupied and reiterating myself every second that I was not climbing the mountain which was so hard and steep but strolling in my lawn, these thoughts gave me strength to move a bit faster.

At around 6PM we reached to our base camp “La Toubkal” which was at 10K feet. We all were totally wrecked and I was not able to move or walk and even my sense of thinking was shut, totally into hibernation mode. After some rest, we moved to dining area for tea and meals. Room was full of mountaineers “Professional” you know. There were young and old both, old as in 60-65 age group and it was new world to me. Looking at my condition and what I came through, I was not ready to go for summit which we had to start in morning at 5AM. My negative thoughts had engulfed me like dark clouds. Lou was looking at me and she read my mind and my body language about what I was going to say.

“No, Lou I can’t do this I am totally dead, this is my summit, no more trekking and that also in deep snow, no way.

Lou, looked at me and smiled as if she was expecting this! “You are my brave boy and you have to make me proud by achieving this summit. This will be the biggest achievement of your life and you cannot runaway from your promise made to me, she said. I was so scared to go for summit as by now I had realized I was heading toward the death zone! I suffocated in the night as I was picturing myself climbing the mountains. Now, this was another baggage on my head, baggage of fear and anxiety which I was not ready to go ahead with. These words started haunting me and my mind. Anyway, I made my mind as I always feared something, however tried my best to accomplish that, so will do this time too, I will make Lou and myself proud and will achieve this milestone of my life.

I don’t know what made me ready to roll in the darkness of early morning the next day and finish the ultimate target to summit Mt.Toubkal. It was Sunday 5:00AM, base camp hiding under dark and freezing cold morning. Lou, Eugene, myself, and our guide were ready to roll in the darkness of early morning and finish our ultimate target to summit Mt. Toubkal. As, we started climbing up in the dark, I felt like I am pushing myself on cold freezing wall and trying to put my step on it, it was reality we were doing same. The mountain was very steep. After trekking for 20-25 min, a ray of light appeared and we were surrounded by white tall peaks, the experience was mind blowing, but where was no way to go up. No way, was it our guide creating step marks for us to follow, yes. There was a time when I was totally lost, I shouted “please stop, please stop”. Pain was killing me and I wanted to crash, we found a plane surface and took a break of 4 min, Lou, tried to give me water and few biscuits which I had denied to take and she was pushing me to take water….

“Massa, you have to drink liquid it’s important, else you will be dehydrated”.

We started our journey of pushing ourselves up in a queue where our guide Ibrahim was leading the way and making foot steps for us. Behind him was me, poor me and I was also doing the same because I had to create that for my other partners. My mind was not working and I was totally lost, and cursing myself that why the hell I decided to summit, am not professional, why am I not sitting down at the base with my other 2 friends Namron and Natalie who decided not to summit. I would have been sleeping, and being in my dreams in a cozy warm bed. However, with the same thought process I was also praying, “That I want to go back safely and do not want to die in these mountains”.

While crawling up, my eyes went on the marks on snow and to my surprise these footprint marks were of Jackals, a cold wave rushed into my spine and the reason was, a week before this adventure I had watched movie “Frozen” in which these friends get stuck in chair car in snow and are swallowed by furious jackals. I found myself in the same situation and because of fear and loosing my essential senses I was about to give up and cry loud. Again, shouted “Stop Stop” I need rest. We all halted on the white sheet of steep wall where nothing can be seen or heard except silence and fear. Now, at this point I murmured “please leave me here and you guys carry on, this is my summit and I am not in a position to go further”. I was crying and begging, ready to go back which was not possible at this stage or wanted to be just left there which was same being breakfast for jackals. I started hearing again those words, you have to do it, make me proud, you are the strong guy, and you have to achieve this for your life.

“Oh, Gosh leave me alone, I am not strong, and neither am interested in achieving anything”.

Like this we stopped thrice and I was in excruciating pain, mentally and physically both. To my surprise, our guide shouted, only 5 min left to touch the summit. My eyes started searching for that peak, which we have to touch and by which I will achieve something big in my life, where I will tell the world that I made it, I was on top of the peak, top of the world, where is it? Guide shouted 3 min and we were on the edge of the peak where there was only snow that also deep, so deep that if stuck into it, it’s impossible to come out and you will meet death and happily hug him and no one will dare to ask you to come back to this world, J.  I even slipped and fell in to the snow on a narrow ridge. I had to pull myself out of that ditch of death.

People the summit! Our Guide said showing us the metal arch which was kept at 4,167 m.

“Hi………. Toubkal” I shouted. I did it! I made to the summit!

Those Atlas Mountains which seemed to be like fortress the other day were under my feet today. All the mountains were looking like small tiny peaks from the point I was standing. I was on top of the world and I achieved it.

Lou, looked at me and smiled. I looked at her and silently thanked her.

“Oh, Almighty please get me back safe and sound. I don’t want to die in these mountains I had prayed. But something died that day, it was not me, it was the fear. I offloaded my baggage there and came back alive, positive, energetic and ready for any adventure and push myself to further limits.

 

 

 

 

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What if we are going to Die Tomorrow?

Well, we all are so busy with our daily lives and our busy routines and we forget about things around us or we don’t care about what is going around us or in our society. All are running for their bit and making sure that whatever is their job, we do that better and on top of that make sure no one else goes ahead, which we call Competition and I say Rat Race.

How many of us really think about, what if I was not alive tomorrow or what if I face sudden death. And we all may have seen or heard of such instances, I have heard and even lost my friends. Today he is with me at work and we are sipping coffee, chatting in cafeteria, giggling cracking jokes and the next day he is no more, a sudden death and a total shock for all friends, family, colleagues. What happened, did that person knew he was about to die or his time was over, no he didn’t nor we knew, moreover we don’t want to know. All of us are occupied with thoughts of investments, jobs, hikes, growth, vacations, just planning and planning and planning and no idea about the end, a closure of mind and heart, loss of soul in void and our spirit which will be hanging somewhere in skies between Heaven and Hell, and to tell you about this, there are various stories where the Spirit will go after leaving one’s body.

Why am I writing this article on death, why this thought came to me, what made me start thinking about this area. Only, reason is me seeing people leaving us or going to leave us anytime. Can I ask you a question, how many times in a day you think about death? Do we? No, we don’t, we should because we don’t know when we are going to breathe our last breath. What if we knew when we are going to die, have you ever thought or imagined, say, we would have been made aware at time of birth or any stage of our life that, here is your date of death with time and place. What will you do then, stop living, stop caring about others or about yourself, stop caring or thinking about things which I discussed earlier, job etc. Or, will we start, living more, give our best to the people around us, be more caring and loving. Forget about caste, creed, religion and stop being racist, love all and be more understanding, and respectful towards family, people, community, society and friends. Will be more motivated individuals to spend the best of us in this limited time on Earth.

You know what do some of those changes look like? When reminded of death, we treat those who are like us in looks, political slant, geographic origin and religious beliefs more favorably. We become more contemptuous and violent towards people who do not share those similarities. We profess a deeper commitment to romantic partners who validate our worldviews and we tend to be more calm and spiritual and peaceful. Reverse can also happen we can become more careless, nihilistic, start drinking, smoking, eating whatever we want and so on because we don’t care now. Society will change, norms will change, how people think about religion and other areas will change.

Start, thinking and remembering about death, what if nothing is with us tomorrow. Stop hating each other and pulling each other down be at work, in political system, at your office, around your society. Be humble, calm and peace-loving individual, give your best at any side of your life or any job you are doing, be honest and transparent. We are not on this Earth forever, no one is. So, why do we need unhealthy competition, racism, corruption, religion divides, communal-ism. Why all these negative thing, for what. Stop spreading hate on Social Media, spreading fake news. Use Social Media for spreading Peace, Love and Harmony. Discuss positive things, good stuff and motivate others to live in the happiest possible way.

Hatred is corrosive of a person’s wisdom and conscience; the mentality of enmity can poison a nation’s spirit, instigate brutal life and death struggles, destroy a society’s tolerance and humanity, and block a nation’s progress to freedom and democracy. – Liu Xiaobo