Suicide, death of a Soul

Suicide, death of a Soul

By: Masarrat A Shah                                                                                  

Post Picture: Google

Well, I am tired of this world, the people and the society. Everyone has got their own opinion and prejudice where they are not ready to accept me or listen to me or say understand me. Why should I live here, where no one is bothered of me being here or not?

Every day we hear the stories about Suicide, on news channels, in newspapers, on social media, and to my surprise we have seen people committing this extreme act LIVE on Facebook. I wonder what makes them do it, what is going through their mind at that time when they are making themselves, their body and their soul go through such a painful act or process. Do they listen to themselves, or do they pause for a moment and rethink about the consequences after this step is completed, will anyone be bothered, or am I hurting someone by making them part of this pain?

When an individual takes the step of ending his/her life and saying goodbye to people and loved ones and feeling pain and agony of leaving them, have anyone thought Why, this step. But yes, we hear the news and for few minutes we express sadness and empathy with that individual, and in a second thought we curse him/her. We start judging, saying that how cowardly act he/she did, a looser not able to handle the situation, rather than facing the consequences, the person took easier way to run away from the issues and life and left his loved ones to suffer. Well, most of the people say, why was not help asked, like psychiatrist, counselor and so on. He/she should have talked to someone rather than hanging or taking poison and so on.

But my question is who is responsible for this act of what you call cowardliness or being looser, who should we blame, is this blame going to only that individual who suffered so much and said enough is enough and I cannot handle it anymore. Who made him think that and act on it? Why was not anyone there to listen and care and guide him or her. Was there anyone to empathize, forget about sympathy? And I am sure the answer is “NO”. What we as people or society do is talk, talk and talk and pass comments and make judgments. We are so inhuman that we don’t even care to think before we say it.

If a person is happy and content with his or her life, why will there be a question or thought of ending life or being rejected by society. But what happens is when an individual goes thru hell because of another person then the issues arise. Everyone is stressed, angry, irritated and displeased with some or the other person in life. Whether it is love relationship, parent relationship, employee manager relationship, marriage problems and so on. Just because there is some disconnect and misunderstanding and miscommunication between two individuals there is a chaos. We are seeing everyday fights, abuses and what not happening in homes, offices and at workplaces. People being Judged, Racism, Bias, Cast attacks and what not. And there are people who handle it to some extent but at one point they loose it and water starts flowing over their head and where they start hating everything and when that brim of patience is broken, they either think to finish themselves or that person who is the reason for the whole mess. So, there is a trigger point, someone is taking that individual to that edge where the extreme step takes place of either Murder or Suicide, where I believe both of these are “Murders”.

So, who is responsible for this Murder in either case? Not that person but us as a society is responsible for a person to take such a heinous and extreme step. As a society we actual are murdering that person, where we say a suicide was committed. Now what happens people start, or law makers start looking for suicide note left behind by that person. Yes, we see and have seen and heard enough notes where the deceased had mentioned, “for my death no one is responsible, I am myself responsible for taking my life”, why does that person say that because he knows that there is no hope, who all will they punish where whole society is actually responsible for this crime, for this murder of me. He/she is done with the society and the fake empathy and kindness of people or who were “Loved Ones”.

We all are hypocrites, running from the reality and living in some fantasy world. Seeing movies and the glamorous life in reel life, we feel that’s the life we want and try to copy and live. But sorry friends that’s not the way we live, understand the real world. We all need respect, love and compassion. Our society and world needs peace and tranquillity where all live equally and there is no racism, bias and prejudice. Because of our inhumane attitude and loosing ourselves in virtual, social media and AI world we are losing our loved ones, our friends and dear ones. Stop this madness and love each other, talk to each other, show care and compassion and sort things rather than fight on things.  Everyone has trouble, issues and disagreements but they can be resolved and worked out if and only if we show real consciousness and compassion. Suicide is not a Solution; it is an easy way to end misery of life.

Well, yes, I want to live and be happy see the world and be successful person. Yes, I want to love and be loved with real passion and zeal. But don’t judge me, misunderstand me and leave to my own self. Please listen to me and try to talk to me, maybe we will find the solution, and which will support me to prove myself and be better human being, better person and make this world better and peaceful place. Show me some respect and you will get abundance in response. Lastly, I know suicide is crime, a sin, very ugly and heinous sin and I don’t want to take that step, but be there for me when I need and help me to understand rather than throwing me in my depressed hole where I have no one to listen and talk.

 

“The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” — Dalai Lama.

 

 

 

 

Life After Lockdown

As more and more Countries are opening up and easing the Lockdown and letting the economy get started with opening of businesses and industries with the realization that we cannot just sit locked forever as this invisible enemy is going to be with us for long and we have to start adapting to new changes and new way of life.

Now, we all are excited to get out of our dens and visit our favorite cafe’s, meet friends, be at work with colleagues and have that sip of morning coffee with them. Sounds exciting, but I want to say something which I feel is important for all, that is, ask yourself “What is Important for me?”.

Yes, before you get engrossed in your daily routine life think what is important for my life, is it my family, my health, my kids, my job, what matters to me. Doing the retrospect of importance then step out of your house and start new life. Because when you know what is important to you, then only you will take proper precaution and be mindful about how to keep yourself safe, because if you won’t, I am sure not today but someday you will be infected as no one is safe.

Be safe and stay alert for your family, kids, people who care for you. Most important for yourself, because if you are Infected everything you have around will be Affected. THINK….!

– Masarrat A Shah

#encouraging

First Night Together

Our first night together, our first night to lay next to each other,

Tingle and excitement in heart and butterflies chirping in our souls,

We seeing into eyes and talking with silence, being one on our first night and  laying side by side,

Your touch and my sigh, sigh of togetherness and closeness,

Your lips touching my lips, and exchanging the breath of souls, laying next to each other,

Your strength in me, your soul in me and we being one on our first night together,

Slept in arms and dream our world, when woke up it was a beautiful morning with a kiss, on our first night together,

Our souls are in love truly, madly, deeply and what if we deny of this beautiful beginning which is love but destiny has the answer,

New beginning, new journey, new life, so let us not hold it rather nourish and cherish it as life is too short for absurd thinking and wasteful thoughts,

Awakening, new hope after our first night together.

 

Selfish Son

Selfish Son  – By Masarrat A Shah

Abdul, in his late 40’s parked in a couch and in a deep thought. Thinking about how his life turned upside down in just a year. How things changed forever around him and he is left alone.

It was a quiet Sunday and sky was cloudy as it will rain anytime soon. Abdul is in Hospital where he gets news that his wife succumbed to Cancer. He is crushed and is crying holding 2 of his kids, suddenly whole world came crashing on him. His Kids crying and saying what will we do now without Mummy,

Back to his thoughts and talking to himself, “I am so alone, and every day is miserable without you. I look on these walls and they are haunting me, everything is so empty without you, why did you leave us, why?  How will I manage Kids and everything?”

Son: Enters Room and sits next to his father.

“Dad, what will we do now, how will we manage”, I am missing mummy.”

Abdul: You don’t need to worry about anything, remember now onwards, I am your Dad and I am also your Mummy. We will manage everything, remember if we become weak and loose, people will take advantage of that, do you understand what I am saying.

Son: Yes, Dad. Don’t worry I will be strong.

Abdul: Good, that’s my boy.

After few months, Abdul is sitting in his office and working as usual, going on with his life and routine. One of his colleagues enquirers, how are you doing. Sorry to hear about your loss.

Abdul: That’s alright, you cannot change the fate. It was supposed to happen, and I was prepared for it.

Colleague: You are strong indeed, btw, how are kids doing. They will be missing their mother. It is tough for them.

Abdul: Yea, very tough. But I am there for them and will take care, as I was when she was sick.

Colleague: Can I suggest something if you agree.

Abdul: What?

Colleague: You are young and whole life is in front of you, kids are also growing, and they need both the parents.

Abdul: What are you trying to suggest me?

Colleague: Why don’t you give a thought about remarriage; I am not saying immediately but just give a thought and see if you … maybe you will find someone who will take care of you and kids.

Abdul: Not sure, and it’s too early.

Colleague: I understand, just had a thought rest all is up to you. Take care.

Abdul while at home, having tea after a long day at work is thinking about what his colleague suggested with him at work about remarrying. He is giving it serious thought but don’t want to decide anything without talking to his kids.

Abdul: At dinner table and having dinner with his kids.

“I need talk about something to you both, it’s just a thought, OK”.

Kids: Okay, what is it?

Abdul: You see, I was doing a lot of thinking and had suggestion from my friends about … mmmm about getting married again. Because you guys need mother and someone who can take care of home.

Son: No, we don’t need any stranger to come and take place of our mother, we can manage ourselves. We don’t need new Mummy. And no one can replace her.

Abdul: I understand but say tomorrow when you guys will be busy with your life and work and family, I may need someone to talk to, share my daily stuff. Don’t you think so.

Son: Do you understand what these new Mothers do, they break the family, one of my friend has gone through this and he is now living with his grandparents. He lost his Dad and his home, everything.

Abdul: Everyone is not same, there are exceptions.

Son: In this area, they all are same, either they will come with their own children or will have and will care about their own ones and we will become strangers to step children, I don’t accept that and will never let that happen in our lives.

Dad why are you worried. You have us and we will take care of you, don’t you trust us, and we will live happily.

Abdul: I trust you and love you both. Ok, as you both say I won’t think about remarrying again. I have you and we have us.

After few years. Abdul has grown old and is just struggling with things, is retired now and sitting at home. Kids have grown and are busy with their lives, wife work etc. He feels alone and is sometimes scared to ask for help or anything from his Son etc. He does not have anyone to talk to.

Abdul: listen I have to see a doctor today; will you come early from office and take me to the clinic.

Son: Dad, I will try but as you know I am very busy.

Abdul: that’s alright, I will manage myself. (Man, thinks wish I had remarried, atleast my wife would have been here to take care of me and at least give me company).

After few months, Son realizes his father is struggling with various things, and he needs someone to be with him.

“I was so selfish, now I am realizing that we should have let Dad remarry, he would have someone to be at his side and take care of him. We all become selfish at every step of life and try to play safe so that we don’t get affected.  At that time did we thought about our loved ones what they will be going through. We always think about ourselves and want our happiness, jeopardizing the life and happiness of others and in my case, my father”.

We should always keep in mind that they also deserve to live and be happy, if your Parents can sacrifice their life for your happiness, why can’t you.

At the end I want to say only one thing “Live and Let Live”, it’s easy to think about ourselves, be selfish and avoid odd situations, but we have to think what the situation for them in future will be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reality and Dream

There are really two issues here: one is the degree to which an experience seems subjectively real (at least while it is happening). The other issue is independent of the first; this is the degree to which the experience seems objectively real in the sense that it produces actual effects on other parts of reality.

Since age of 14, I was more mature than my other friends. I had realized what is good and bad, what we should do and why. I had embraced my Solitude and was happy being in it. Only one person behind my mature brain and she was my Mother. She always wanted me to learn things whether cooking, cleaning, and understanding of life. I used to runaway from things which she used to tell me to do and always used to say,

Listen, “You have to learn, what if tomorrow you move to new place, how will you manage”.

My younger Brother never had to go through this process of learning. I used to be angry on him as he was free to go out play and do whatever he wants. With the time and me growing up, things changed I was more of homely guy rather than being playing and being with friends.  Started being alone with myself in my room, study, think all weird things on earth. And the best part, I used to think of being a Superman or some special guy with loads of extra powers. Why those thoughts and feelings because I wanted to runaway from whole scenario. There used to be instances where I wanted to just fly and leave this world.

One fine day, my mind was boiling with all the weirdest thoughts, I was on a roller coaster of misery and helplessness, not sure why my thoughts and my inner self was in some sort of trauma and denial of my existence. And in this whole pull and push, I found myself drenched in snow and running from everything in void where there was no destiny or goal. I, ran away from my home and decided not to come back. But, after a day long walking and moving from one place to another crying and cursing and saying sorry to my parents, there was a time when suddenly I found myself lying in my bed. How did I come back, what was that force which made me return to home, I don’t know, it was like a miracle.

My Mother, was always worried about me and wanted me to be happy as she loved me more than anything else. We were like best friends, laugh, and talk and share everything. She was my mentor and guide and taught me everything what I am today. She treated me like I was her Daughter rather than Son. Maybe she wanted to have daughter and I was born “by mistake”. It was more of a mother daughter relationship rather than mother son relationship. Sometimes I wander was I her daughter and by mistake took shape of a boy when I was born.

As a lonely lad, always in my thoughts and solitude, playing with all things which does not exist and being with my imaginary friend had total different effect on me. I loved to be with myself and in my fantasy world. Being not so connected to people around and having no friends, I decided to move to different city or place. And my parents agreed me to study in Delhi for rest of my schooling and college.  That was a turning point in my life, no one was around me I was in my own world. Learned to be independent and tackle things on my own, from a shy guy evolved a smart guy, with tremendous presence of mind.

I started writing letters to my mum, as that time there were no mobile phones. She used to write me back everything which we used to talk in person, we started talking through letters. I started growing up, being more confident, mature and responsible. Being away from my folks and no one to bother me, I was bound to do anything, I could have even turned to bad company or friends because it was my way out. But never did that always maintained a distance from groups who were trouble makers or can deviate me from my studies. This again used to come from her letters, my parents had trust on me and knew their son will not disappoint them or will not do anything which will break their trust. And parents should have this feeling and faith towards their kids. If you cannot build that trust or faith, your child will think in reverse manner.

Being a happy and confident guy, I was good at studies and besides my regular studies, was busy with extra activities related to Radio, Television and most important Theater. Everything I was doing was teaching me some or the other lesson and yes thanks to my parents for being my support at every step and decision I took. I understood the meaning of life and what does it mean. I grew up into a different personality, self-confident, independent and ready to embrace any challenge. My Solitude helped me a lot in this whole personality development and being a mature person.

Alas, there was a day when my Mum was diagnosed with Cancer, I was shattered, my world came crashing down, and it was a sudden earthquake on a scale of magnitude which no one can imagine or calculate.  Doctors gave a time frame of a year for her survival, it was all done and dusted and there was no hope. I was watching my Mum, dying in front of me day in and day out but nothing which I can do except loads of prayers and begging to Allah to give her back to me. As, I had stepped myself into world of work and earn, so had to be in Delhi. Always used to talk to her on phone laugh and giggle, make jokes as we used to do.  And one day on phone she said, “People come, people leave and that’s how world ends”, after few days of that saying, my phone rang, and I knew what the news was about, and that was the end.

My Mother and my best friend left me in void, now with whom will I share my ups and downs, my laughs and my achievements.  A miracle happened, one day I woke up with confusion and happiness. Guess what, I just had finished talking to my Mum, not through letters or phone but face to face as we used to at home. We used to talk regular stuff like we used to do, if I required any suggestion on any issue she guided me. She knew everything what was happening around and with my Dad and Brother too. I do tell her about things happening at home and she is the one who gives me suggestions to solve them. And I tell that to my Dad and Brother. I made her meet my friends and talk to them. My Dad, was skeptical first when I told him about this dream and he literally blasted me for not letting her go in peace. I knew, it was not me troubling her, but it was her love for me which compelled her to be with me in my dream. I explained same to my Father and you know now he also asks me, “Hey what were you and your Mum discussing today”J. I never want to wake-up when she is with me and I hate if someone wakes me up while we are in conversation.

What was it, a reality or a dream? I wandered, it was a dream however, talks and discussion were real. She has never stopped talking to me since then and I always share things with her as I used to do always.

So, as I mentioned there are really two issues here: one is the degree to which an experience seems subjectively real (at least while it is happening). The other issue is independent of the first; this is the degree to which the experience seems objectively real in the sense that it produces actual effects on other parts of reality. Both the issues happened with me and I am happily living and experiencing it.

On Top of the World

“Oh, Almighty please get me back, safe and sound I don’t want to die.” I was bloody scared standing in that snow. Feeling weak and helpless, I was reduced to the exact opposite of who I thought I was. The mountain showed me I had a very heavy baggage on my back that I had to offload.

On a casual working day in office I experienced a sudden adrenaline rush when I heard “Ready for an adventure guys? Trek to a mountain peak? Hmm? “It was Louise the professional trekker in our team!

I was IN. Adventure beckoned me and I was not going to say No!

Excited about the new adventure of running up the mountains and experiencing whole new world, we arrived at railway station in Rabat, the platform was quite except some chirping of birds, no hustle bustle around, it was a beautiful sunny day and the station was clean and good, why I am saying this is because I never boarded the train for long journeys in my country. Train arrived and we all were in first class, I was so overwhelmed about the whole trip that I forgot about what really, I was heading for.

The train was hitting the speed, I was glad until I started hearing words like” rocks, clamps, poles, summit, snow, achievement”. Ah! It sounded so horrifying! So, scary! By the way we were on our way to summit the highest peak of North Africa – Mt. Toubkal 4,167 m in all!!!

I was ready for my moment of glory, an achievement that I could tell my grandchildren. My future played out like a movie in front of my eyes, as I saw the massive Atlas Mountains spread itself surrounding the beautiful Imlil village from where we started the climb. We started our trek from Imlil, and me being super charged with adrenaline rushing and gushing through my veins, just wanted to fly over these mountains, and it was totally amazing experience which I had never felt before. I was doing something new, something different and something which I can talk about to others and feel proud of. A few hours of walking on steep Rocky Mountains and I felt breathless! My excitement and confidence vanished into thin air. The excruciating pain in my knees and back was killing me physically and mentally.  I looked at the hugeness in front of me and realized that there was no turning back. Fear pierced in to my mind slowly, same as migraine pierces my head.

Strangely, I was reminded of the day when I stepped on the stage to act in my first play.  I had felt the same thing than, the Fear. “What if I forget my lines, what will be the reaction of audience and my director”.  A total numbness.

My backpack of fears felt heavy on my back.

I started feeling pain in my knees and back, it was killing me physically and mentally. When I looked around, the mountains were so high like we were walking beside some huge tall fortress wall and there was no way to turn back. As, I was taking steps up towards height and low pressure, only one thing was running in my mind when will I reach to our base camp and not loose my mind by any chance. Started singing songs to keep my mind occupied and reiterating myself every second that I was not climbing the mountain which was so hard and steep but strolling in my lawn, these thoughts gave me strength to move a bit faster.

At around 6PM we reached to our base camp “La Toubkal” which was at 10K feet. We all were totally wrecked and I was not able to move or walk and even my sense of thinking was shut, totally into hibernation mode. After some rest, we moved to dining area for tea and meals. Room was full of mountaineers “Professional” you know. There were young and old both, old as in 60-65 age group and it was new world to me. Looking at my condition and what I came through, I was not ready to go for summit which we had to start in morning at 5AM. My negative thoughts had engulfed me like dark clouds. Lou was looking at me and she read my mind and my body language about what I was going to say.

“No, Lou I can’t do this I am totally dead, this is my summit, no more trekking and that also in deep snow, no way.

Lou, looked at me and smiled as if she was expecting this! “You are my brave boy and you have to make me proud by achieving this summit. This will be the biggest achievement of your life and you cannot runaway from your promise made to me, she said. I was so scared to go for summit as by now I had realized I was heading toward the death zone! I suffocated in the night as I was picturing myself climbing the mountains. Now, this was another baggage on my head, baggage of fear and anxiety which I was not ready to go ahead with. These words started haunting me and my mind. Anyway, I made my mind as I always feared something, however tried my best to accomplish that, so will do this time too, I will make Lou and myself proud and will achieve this milestone of my life.

I don’t know what made me ready to roll in the darkness of early morning the next day and finish the ultimate target to summit Mt.Toubkal. It was Sunday 5:00AM, base camp hiding under dark and freezing cold morning. Lou, Eugene, myself, and our guide were ready to roll in the darkness of early morning and finish our ultimate target to summit Mt. Toubkal. As, we started climbing up in the dark, I felt like I am pushing myself on cold freezing wall and trying to put my step on it, it was reality we were doing same. The mountain was very steep. After trekking for 20-25 min, a ray of light appeared and we were surrounded by white tall peaks, the experience was mind blowing, but where was no way to go up. No way, was it our guide creating step marks for us to follow, yes. There was a time when I was totally lost, I shouted “please stop, please stop”. Pain was killing me and I wanted to crash, we found a plane surface and took a break of 4 min, Lou, tried to give me water and few biscuits which I had denied to take and she was pushing me to take water….

“Massa, you have to drink liquid it’s important, else you will be dehydrated”.

We started our journey of pushing ourselves up in a queue where our guide Ibrahim was leading the way and making foot steps for us. Behind him was me, poor me and I was also doing the same because I had to create that for my other partners. My mind was not working and I was totally lost, and cursing myself that why the hell I decided to summit, am not professional, why am I not sitting down at the base with my other 2 friends Namron and Natalie who decided not to summit. I would have been sleeping, and being in my dreams in a cozy warm bed. However, with the same thought process I was also praying, “That I want to go back safely and do not want to die in these mountains”.

While crawling up, my eyes went on the marks on snow and to my surprise these footprint marks were of Jackals, a cold wave rushed into my spine and the reason was, a week before this adventure I had watched movie “Frozen” in which these friends get stuck in chair car in snow and are swallowed by furious jackals. I found myself in the same situation and because of fear and loosing my essential senses I was about to give up and cry loud. Again, shouted “Stop Stop” I need rest. We all halted on the white sheet of steep wall where nothing can be seen or heard except silence and fear. Now, at this point I murmured “please leave me here and you guys carry on, this is my summit and I am not in a position to go further”. I was crying and begging, ready to go back which was not possible at this stage or wanted to be just left there which was same being breakfast for jackals. I started hearing again those words, you have to do it, make me proud, you are the strong guy, and you have to achieve this for your life.

“Oh, Gosh leave me alone, I am not strong, and neither am interested in achieving anything”.

Like this we stopped thrice and I was in excruciating pain, mentally and physically both. To my surprise, our guide shouted, only 5 min left to touch the summit. My eyes started searching for that peak, which we have to touch and by which I will achieve something big in my life, where I will tell the world that I made it, I was on top of the peak, top of the world, where is it? Guide shouted 3 min and we were on the edge of the peak where there was only snow that also deep, so deep that if stuck into it, it’s impossible to come out and you will meet death and happily hug him and no one will dare to ask you to come back to this world, J.  I even slipped and fell in to the snow on a narrow ridge. I had to pull myself out of that ditch of death.

People the summit! Our Guide said showing us the metal arch which was kept at 4,167 m.

“Hi………. Toubkal” I shouted. I did it! I made to the summit!

Those Atlas Mountains which seemed to be like fortress the other day were under my feet today. All the mountains were looking like small tiny peaks from the point I was standing. I was on top of the world and I achieved it.

Lou, looked at me and smiled. I looked at her and silently thanked her.

“Oh, Almighty please get me back safe and sound. I don’t want to die in these mountains I had prayed. But something died that day, it was not me, it was the fear. I offloaded my baggage there and came back alive, positive, energetic and ready for any adventure and push myself to further limits.

 

 

 

 

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